She Was Not Ours After-All

October 31st, 2012 2pm

I answer a call from our agency,

“Your daughter was born at 2am this morning, would you like to meet her?”

ken-baugh

Rewind 4 years. November 30th 2008

I call my OB, “I think I just had a miscarriage”

That was the start of our journey to parenthood. We hadn’t even started “trying” yet but everything within me said it was time. I wasn’t ready and I was ready… The feelings I had at this moment confirmed that. It was time. We needed to start a family.

Those years of struggling with infertility were some of the most challenging years of my life as a woman and our lives within our marriage. Every part of my being was challenged. All I could do was ask WHY? WHY? WHY?

I wanted answers. Still in my twenties, I thought I was too young to have fertility issues. No one could explain it. No one had answers for us.

I did so many invasive tests just to know why. I went to therapist after therapist. Even seeing a chiropractor who claimed he could potentially cure my fertility issues. I looked everywhere I could for an answer. When no answer came, I dove into fitness training. Completing a half Ironman in 2010. In the process of that training I became extremely ill and exhausted. My body was revolting. My spirit telling me the answer wasn’t there.

What are you running from?

I put everything into a new career. I put everything into new beliefs. I walked away from God. As far as I could go. I cursed Him. Often.

What did I do to deserve this?

We finally decided to adopt. It was a contentious decision. We knew nothing about adoption. We didn’t know anyone who had adopted. This was new territory. So I put everything into adoption. I studied and read up on it. We picked an agency, got on a list and waited.

Just 2 months into our wait we got the call.

October 31st, 2012 2pm. I answer a call from our agency,

“Your daughter was born at 2am this morning, would you like to meet her?”

We rushed to the hospital calling family and friends saying, “THE DAY IS FINALLY HERE!!”

Tears streaming down our faces, the weight FINALLY being lifted.

Then there she was, our baby girl. She was six weeks early and in bad shape. I refused to leave her side but the hospital had no place for us to stay so we left as late as possible and came back in as early as possible.

At 9am the agency called us, “Her biological mother is having second thoughts.”

We spent as much time with her as we could that day. Our hearts were sinking. At 2pm on Nov 1st 2012 the decision was made. The biological mother signed over custody to a relative. We needed to go home.

She was not ours after-all.

I will never forget that moment. The impact that 24 hours had on me was HUGE. But something happened in that moment that brought my husband and I together in a way that we naturally could not have made happen. We were equally crushed. Equally devastated. Equally Numb.

We grew close at that time. Our arguments stopped. We were in this TOGETHER. From this point forward we were a team, holding each other up as it should be. As it should have been since we committed ourselves to each other. But marriage is like that. Ups and downs. Twists and turns.

We spent days explaining what happened to friends and family. Reliving that moment over and over again. How could there possibly be a silver lining to this?

Ye of little faith…

That moment brought upon the birth of an online support group that now has over 350 local members. It brought me some of the closest friends in adoption I could EVER ask for. The people I met because of this moment will be lifelong friends of mine and their children lifelong friends of my children.

That moment has helped numerous adoptive families build lifelong connections. Within the group people have connected in ways that brought their children home. Connections that might have not otherwise happened.

So did I fulfill my purpose in that moment of suffering? I think I am fulfilling it. Here I am with my two incredible miracle children looking back on a moment that is still defining me as a wife, a friend, a woman, and a mother.

And for that, I am forever grateful.

-SC

darkness

 

Breastfeeding my Adopted Baby (part 5): The Protocol

breastfeedingmy-adoptedbaby-girlMy motivation to begin the lactation process was at an all-time high. My body was on board and now, finally, my mind was on board. I can do this.

I meditate and journal a few times a week and before vising the LC I asked God to give me a heads up on how this whole breastfeeding situation is going to go. Should I go to the lactation consultant? Should I breastfeed? Is this going to be difficult?

Here is what He lead me to:

For seven days celebrate the feast of the Lord your God at the place the Lord will choose. For the Lord your God will bless you in all your harvest and in all the work of your hands, and your joy will be complete. Deuteronomy 16:15

Speechless.

I need to enjoy myself and cherish the moments I get with this precious baby and this incredible gift of nursing I have been given. Stop questioning, start trusting.

Expect Miracles.

I met with one of the best Lactation Consultants in the Denver Metro area on Wednesday. It was very expensive. I debated canceling the appointment several times. What on earth is this woman going to tell me that Google can’t? Why am I doing this again? Oh right, Jesus. Here we go.

This was another first for me, I was pretty nervous. As soon as I met her, she instantly put me at ease. We chatted about my goals for a bit:

1. Good latch
2. To build a greater attachment with my daughter
3. If we can induce lactation at the same time… win/win. (I wasn’t going to allow myself to get excited about this.)

“Now, lets see the girls”

Of course… she wants to see my boobs… here we go.

Well she inspected the girls and gave me some compliments then, tips and tricks to get baby girl to latch well. Of course while we were there baby girl wasn’t into it at all. We spent about 90 minutes together as she helped me and encouraged me. Money well spent.

The LC educated me on the Newman-Goldfarb Protocols which I had researched a little prior to this meeting. There was so much wording in the sites I had looked up that I quickly got overwhelmed and assumed it was too difficult to even try. The LC was super helpful, she made me a simple HOW TO:

  1. Get a hospital grade breast pump – Pump or Nurse 8-10x a day.
  2. Increase prolactin level by taking Domperidone 20mg 4x a day
  3. Look into and prepare for Insufficient Grandular Tissue (IGT) – Higher likelihood with infertile women.
  4. Potential Tongue Tie – Review with Pediatrician.

She said she expected me to have this all figured out within 6 weeks and then we can start the process. So, I got started right away remembering God was guiding this entire process.

Within 48 hours I had everything I needed.

  1. I was able to rent a hospital grade breast-pump from a local company immediatly.
  2. A friend had a sealed package of domperidone she let me use. (This has to be ordered from a non-USA location as it is not yet approved for sale here, so it takes several weeks to arrive. I ordered more to replace hers and set me up for the next round.)
  3. Wait and see on IGT.
  4. Pediatrician was able to get me in immediately and confirmed she did NOT have tongue tie. He even wrote me a prescription and letter of need for the breast pump so I could TRY to get it covered under insurance. Might as well right… I hear Jesus has connections in the insurance industry.

Here are the INCREDIBLE results my friends:

 

protocol

Sweet baby JESUS!!!!

I am at day 14 post protocol and am producing an ounce per session, sometimes more. I’m pumping between 10-15 min at a time. I save all that milk and feed it to her at the last feeding. I assume she is more efficient at getting my milk than the pump is – so she is likely getting around 8oz of my milk a day. She is taking in about 25oz of fluids a day so I have a ways to go, but at this pace I should get there soon.

I know some of you are likely wondering why I even decided to go on the drug Domperidone. The truth is, I wasn’t too keen on the idea but my friend had a spare set so I figured this was a sign I needed to do it. After all, God knows if it was going to be difficult I wouldn’t have done it.

I am up to date with my story as of now, but will continue to post my experiences and results.

This has been an unbelievably amazing journey. I don’t feel like I’m being strong as some of you have stated, I feel like I’m being led. I’m just along for the ride.

Thank you so much for reading my story. I hope it has helped you understand that

God is real.

He performs miracles.

There is ALWAYS hope.

Anything is possible.

Expect miracles every single day. Start looking for them. Ask God to show you those miracles if you are dense like me.

I love you all.

Pictured Below: Sheilas Actual boob, Sheilas Actual baby

nursing

SC

Breastfeeding my Adopted Baby (part 4): Week 2

breastfeedingmy-adoptedbaby-girlWell, I dove head first into breastfeeding of all things. How did I get here? I guess that’s why I’ve felt so compelled to write this. I’ve had this website for two years and never had the drive to write and share like I am now. I guess ‘GODs timing’ is really a thing.

I’m coming into my spirituality slowly and need to be hit over the head with a 2×4 to really get a clear picture. Five years of infertility really jacked me and my relationship with God. I should probably write a post about that.

Now where was I? Ah yes.. Jesus and week 2.

I continued feeding her 2-3 times a day. As often as I could do it comfortably. Unfortunately we had a ‘boob down’ situation, literally my left nipple was bleeding. A small blister had formed. Oddly enough I didn’t care. I was enjoying this SO MUCH that I didn’t care that my nipple was bleeding. My husband on the other hand was like… uhh… get that shit taken care of.  So I gave the left side some oils and a week off.

I started doing breast massage to try to wake up the milk ducts. I was trying to avoid getting a breast pump and my LC told me this was the next best thing and in some cases the better thing to do. So I massaged.

Often.

In the car… at home.. in Target…. the usual spots.

Lots of massaging.

Tuesday night I’m massaging and just for kicks I try to squeeze into the nipple to see what would happen. Expecting fireworks of milk, obviously.

You Guys.

The slightest drop of white came out.

It came out of MY BARREN BREASTS!!!

Even Limpy Left side!!

I immediately screamed for my husband to come upstairs and look. He was mildly impressed and slightly freaked out that something came out of my breasts. Mostly I think he was expecting some action… to then find me milking myself… sorry dude.

I was FULLY committed. Jesus was there telling me DON’T QUIT – I’m proving to you that I am here. I will do it for you if you just DON’T QUIT!

**I realize that my segway from ‘milking myself’ to Jesus may have been a little intense for some of you. That’s how I roll. Hang on or move out.**

The next day I added in the lactation herbs. More Milk Plus and FenuGreek

On one of my fb groups someone suggested I take a look at Adoptive Breastfeeding Choices (Under Construction). Turns out this website was created by a local woman who had breastfed her adopted child. I reached out to her of course!

She called me back and told me her incredible story of breastfeeding her son. Her story was similar to mine – was on birth control for several months prior to adopting for reasons not related to inducing lactation. She was not planning on breastfeeding but alas, her son had other plans. In the process of her journey she was not only able to exclusively breastfeed her son within 12 weeks of starting the protocol, but she was also able to donate 3000 ounces of breast milk to another adoptive family. See her full story HERE.

MASSIVELY INSPIRING!

She recommended a local lactation consultant that had successfully helped 23 adoptive mothers breastfeed their adopted children. I made an appointment immediately.

Even though everything was pointing me to the direction of inducing lactation – I was still hesitant to believe this was a possibility. I was still focusing on the attachment part of this experience. I was guarding and not trusting.

NO MATTER WHAT, if all we get is that extra attachment during supplemental nursing, that is enough.

That Friday I went to my first breastfeeding group. It was difficult and I had asked my girlfriends to pray for me during this experience. I don’t ask people to pray for me. I’m still learning how to do this.

Being an adoptive mom often makes me feel like a fraud.

I feel like I don’t deserve these types of mom connections. I definitely feel like I don’t ‘deserve’ to be in with a group of women who have biological children. What could we possibly have in common?

I literally expected to walk in to the room to find a bunch of topless hippies openly breastfeeding their 5yr olds. Truth. I was terrified.

In reality they were normal looking moms with babies and toddlers that acted just like mine. Who would have thought!?!?! It’s very possible that my sense of self is a little off.  Ok, its way off. This is why I have a therapist.

We discussed sleep issues, behavior issues, and then breastfeeding issues. It was so interesting and helpful. They wanted to hear my story and encouraged me to continue my journey. I needed that. More encouragement. My self doubt is so strong.

My shame from not being able to create a child – that my deepest sense of womanliness is broken. My shame was being challenged in a big way. Eight years of infertility. Eight years of fighting to become a mother in any way possible.

Eight years of fighting with my body and my mind. Eight years of fighting God.

I’m beginning to see why this is my path.

 

SC

darkness

 

Courtney’s Story

I got a hold of Courtney through her adoptive breastfeeding website and when she called and told me her story I knew the direction I had to go. It was time to be brave. SC

HERE IS COURTNEYS STORY: 

I have always known that I wanted to be a mother. Being a mother is what I was born to do! I was quite young (only 19) when it was discovered that I would most likely not be able to bear children. The loss of that part of me was something that I grieved a long time ago. I knew that adoption would be the way I would grow my family one day. Having children, and being a mother was what I wanted, how I got there didn’t make any difference. Love is love and family is family… no matter how you come together. Breastfeeding, however… that was something I mourned. I watched other moms, especially my sister, breastfeed their children and it made me sad to think that I would not get to share that bond with my children. It broke my heart.

I was 36 when my daughter’s birthmom chose us (about 8 weeks before her birth). I started thinking about getting more information about adoptive breastfeeding. I went to the first place many people go when seeking medical advice, my doctor. What a mistake! He told be that there were hormone shots, it would be painful, I would never make any milk and that being a new mother was hard enough. His advice? “Don’t even try”. Stupidly, I listened. My sweet baby girl arrived and I nourished her with donated breastmilk for the first 6 months of her life, never even attempting to breastfeed. I remember sitting with her, wondering if I was crazy for wanting to nurse so badly… wanting to comfort her in that amazing way, but feeling like it was wrong to even think it. But, she flourished and has grown into an amazing young lady, a whopping 7 years old! I am proud to have been chosen to be her mother.

Fast forward four years and we were in the process of adopting our second child, a boy. I knew that I still longed to breastfeed, but wasn’t sure what to do. This time, I had the luck of a new friend who just happened to be a lactation consultant in Canada. She told me that not only was it possible, but that many women have great success. I was excited to find out more, but getting ready to adopt a baby is stressful and I didn’t pursue it further. The day our son was born, his birthmom came to the hospital with bedbugs (!). By the time that was discovered, our son was already with us in our room. To make sure that the bedbugs didn’t come home with us, he and I had to take a “decontamination” shower together. Well, while we were in the shower – HE LATCHED!!! In that moment I knew that we would just have to figure out how to breastfeed. I called in the hospitals lactation consultant and she showed me how to use an at-breast supplementer. My son and I both got the hang of using it quickly and he continued to latch like a pro. Looking back, he was making it so clear that being at the breast was the place he felt the most safe and loved. We continued most every feed using the supplementer. When we got home, I scoured the internet looking for information and called my friend in Canada non-stop. After two weeks of frustrated searching for information, I got an appointment with an adoption-friendly lactation consultant in my town and ordered Domperidone. Lucky for me, I was already taking BCP (skipping placebo) for a different issue, and was able to start the Dom right away. By the time my son was about 3 months old, I had achieved a full supply of milk, (an over-supply actually, I ended up donating about 3,000 ounces to another adopted baby!!) and we were exclusively breastfeeding!

At the writing of this page, he is 3 1/2 years old and still nursing 4-8 times a day. It is how we connect, how I console him when he’s sad/hurt and how we settle down before sleeping. It is the best part of my life and I would not be the woman I am today if it weren’t for beastfeeding. The fact that I am able to nourish my child now, when I couldn’t do that for him in the womb – is so incredibly healing. By not allowing me to create him, I felt that my body had betrayed me. But, being able to breastfeed my son has allowed me to forgive my body and grow to love it in a way that I couldn’t before. I do not exaggerate when I say that breastfeeding changed my life.

Courtney Eckelberry

Breastfeeding my Adopted baby (part 3): One more time

 

breastfeedingmy-adoptedbaby-girl

 

The weeks after baby was born was a dream. It was such a quick adoption transition that I was truly in lala land… and I still am 4 months later.

I felt a tug at my heart for several weeks. We had a busy first few months of her life. Three road trips in 10 weeks. Ultimately I didn’t have time to look into the breastfeeding thing again. We had other fish to fry and she was developing just fine.passion-for-orphans

 

The last weekend in September I spent a weekend in the mountains with several other women at the Passion for Orphans retreat. This was my 3rd year attending this event and every time Jesus shows up and gives me a swift kick in the ass. I should really write a post on all of my experiences here. Wow! I am on a roll with all of these post ideas.

 

The women I meet at this event are extraordinary. It pushes me to be extraordinary.

Often at this event I hear a lot about children from trauma. Growing up with mild to severe physical or emotional trauma. I see these families working their tails off to help their children work through these issues. Therapies sometimes daily and multiple medications. These women give everything they have for their children – foster, adopted, or biological. You often hear people say – ‘Oh I wish I could foster a child, but I just couldn’t handle the emotional aspect of it’ — well these are the women that CAN handle it or at least force themselves to handle it. Fostering must be hard, but watching the powerful women at that retreat makes me KNOW that their work is WORTH any emotional suffering they may feel.

My biggest takeaway:

A foster mothers love for orphans is more powerful than their fear of their own emotional suffering.

I did some research and found that attachment disorders can exist in 10-30% of children adopted at infancy. see this article Granted this is anecdotal evidence. My adoption agency warned us this was a possibility and a personal friend of mine is currently going through this with all 3 of her adopted teen children (adopted at infancy). It exists. I researched more and found this scientific study on attachment and how breastfeeding – even when lactation is not induced – increases security of attachment in the child and increases the desire of a parent to be with their child. The skin to skin is forced often with breastfeeding mothers. Whereas women who don’t breastfeed don’t necessarily place their baby on their bare skin for 20 min 5-7x a day otherwise. I wasn’t doing this nearly enough!

I did not breastfeed my son. He is very healthy with no attachment issues that I can see at this point and time. He is smart as a whip and a lot sassy. Not sure where that comes from…. ok its from me. I’ll admit it!!

Every child is different. BUT what if this ONE ACT does make a difference in HER life? Why wouldn’t I give my child everything I had in this moment? Why not just try it again. Just one more time.

It is time to be extraordinary.


Night 1:

Baby girl is 10 weeks old. What are the chances this will work? I hear often of the struggles of biological parents breastfeeding – why on earth would I think this could work 10 weeks along? But again, Jesus has pushed me here so it’s time to put some TRUST in him and stop thinking I am in control. Like I need anymore proof of that.

So I just tried to get her to latch as I was putting her to bed that night. I wasn’t forceful. I told her that I’d like to start this amazing bonding experience with her if she was up for it. She didn’t have too if she didn’t want to. (Yes, I talk to my baby like she is an adult)

She looked at me, smiled, and jumped right on. I was shocked. For several reasons really – it was a weird feeling…. oddly stimulating… awkward. She actually did it. I am capable. Why do I doubt? All of my fears turned instantly into confidence. I CAN DO THIS!

She put herself to sleep nursing on me that night. It was surreal.

Night 2:

I got my Supplemental Nursing System out (If you click that link you will see boobs – not
mine. Sorry. Not sorry.) I put a few ounces of formula in there and tried again. It took a little longer… some youtube watching to see how the heck I was supposed to get that tiny hoot-spraystring hose into her mouth as well as get her to latch properly on me…. but again she is amazing… and apparently has a direct connection with Jesus so we got it figured out.

That night I made a Lactation Inducing Concoction. If I was going to do this nursing thing I might as well consider inducing lactation. Who knows… Jesus seems to want me to do this for a reason… maybe He can get some milk to come out of my barren breasts as well.

Day 3:

I nursed her with the sns in the morning and in the evening.

Day 4:

Again, nursed her morning and night. I worked on the latch more. My left side was getting very raw so I decided to reach out to a lactation consultant. She immediately gave me some advice and directed me toward some very helpful websites and videos. She also invited me to a local breastfeeding group. That sounded exceptionally terrifying. Terrifying is something Jesus would want me to do right? WHAT AM I DOING!!!! So I put it on my calendar. I also joined a local breastfeeding facebook group and a national adoptive breastfeeding facebook group. Here we go. All in.

Day 5: 

I also started asking some friends if they had any advice.

#1: Buy Soothies.

#2: DIY Nipple Cream (AKA Anit-Chappie Cream)

anti-chappie

 

Well, that made my life 10x easier.

The soothies were cooling to my chapped nipples and the balm was well… balmy.

What? You thought I was some sort of professional blogger here? Not so much. Just here to tell my miracle story and say nipples, breasts, and boobs as often as possible.

To be continued….

SC

Breastfeeding my Adopted baby (part 2): The Hospital

breastfeedingmy-adoptedbaby-girl

The expectant mother (J) and I had discussed how we see the hospital stay going. She had asked us to be in the room during the birth of our child.

 OUR CHILD = The child belonging to J, Me & my husband

That was one of the most incredible experiences of my life. I will never forget it… but alas that is for another post.

J had wanted to try to pump after baby was born to give her as much of her own nourishment as possible, but she wasn’t emotionally able to nurse. I was 100% for whatever she was comfortable with doing.

While she was in the throws of labor, her milk was leaking everywhere. We ended up having to wrap her in a towel.

Oh, to watch labor and not really be able to do anything to help… not my favorite. Luckily she was open to me using my essential oils with her which helped her (and me) to relax a little… again that’s for another post.

We spoke with the charge nurse and notified her of our feeding plan – we would need help getting a pump for J after birth to feed our sweet girl. The nurses said it was likely no problem but that their “official” lactation consultant (lc) would have to be there to facilitate.

After baby girl was born we had to wait 2 hours before a lc was available to help us with feeding baby girl. I was getting very worried that baby girl hadn’t had anything to eat yet, but no one else seemed worried so I tried to push it off. At 8am a woman came in and we discussed what we needed. She returned around 9am and stated that it was hospital policy not to let anyone use the hospital breast pump unless the child was in the NICU.

She continued to say that she could help J hand express the milk into a spoon. So away they went, milking poor J into a spoon. J didn’t care though, she would do whatever she had to do to get the milk to our little girl. We were able to get 10ml into baby girl with a small needless syringe. (My daughter has the most incredible birth mom EVER! I love them both so much.)

Next was my turn! At least they could help me …. right?

I asked the lc if she could help me work on a good latch. I had my Supplemental Nursing System, so just needed some help from the professionals to get going. She was almost embarrassed as she said this…

“I cannot help you because you are not a patient of the hospital and we don’t know what fluids you would be feeding the baby”

Say what?

Seriously?

“Fluids”?????

Ok, here is the deal. I was not producing milk and hadn’t started on any protocol to begin producing milk. I had just the Supplemental Nursing System (SNS) filled with formula to feed her.

I took what she said and just stewed… because I am non-confrontational. So I stew and pretended to say super intellectual things to the nurses, the lactation consultants, the hospital board… to make them feel less than. So There! And then I cried a little while no one was looking.

I asked the nurses for a premade bottle of formula so I could at least get some food in her.

I was heart broken. I don’t know why, I wasn’t the one that wanted to do this breastfeeding thing. It was everyone else around me. I was being pushed into this experience by surrounding forces. That’s what I’m telling myself. Truly, I really wanted to try it.

its-a-girlWe got into our own post-pardum room with just hubby, me and baby. I decided to youtube “how to breastfeed your baby the first time”… after scrolling through all the birth videos I got to some basic helpful videos to get started.

Basically my understanding was.

  1. Feed boob like sandwhich.
  2. Shove it in as far as possible
  3. Baby will know what to do.
  4. It shouldn’t hurt.

So here I go. Fill supplemental system with formula. Line up sns hose with nipple… line babys nose up with nipple.. wait for open mouth. Shove nipple and lots of boob into babys mouth. Well that didn’t go as well as I had hoped.

We tried it a few times. She latched a little once or twice, but didn’t seem to be pulling the milk through the tube. She was getting hungry and I was getting frustrated. I tried with a different sized tube (there are 3 sizes). None of them seemed to work for us.

The SNS was a giant pain in the ass and I didn’t know how to use it. Here is a picture so you can kind of understand what I was going through. My basic assumption from my readers is that you may have already breastfed before so you understand the difficulty of the latch. Now add a tiny hose. There are videos on youtube kind of showing (as much as they can) how it’s supposed to work.

NOT SHEILA'S ACTUAL BOOB OR BABY
**NOT SHEILA’S BOOB OR BABY**

 Initial feeling – unworthiness.

 I didn’t deserve to breastfeed this baby. This isn’t even MY baby! J could potentially change her mind (even though she stated SEVERAL times that baby girl was staying with me). I’m just wasting my time and emotional energy.

 It was a silly thought anyway.

The bottle works just fine.

I will just do skin to skin instead.

She will attach just fine without breastfeeding.

Hopefully.

Forget it.

I quit.

SC

 ————————————————————————————-

**Update: I called the head lactation consultant (Is that a thing? I guess so) at the hospital and had a long conversation with her. She asked that I write an email to her supervisor (the one who made that policy), which I did.  It was intellectual, educational, and not down putting. I have not received a response. I will likely find someone else to email and call soon. This doesn’t need to happen to another family. Its a silly policy. (Memorial North, Colorado Springs, CO. Contact me if you want the contact info so you can also send a letter dictating the importance of attachment those first few hours in the hospital.)

Breastfeeding my adopted baby (part 1): When God Shouts….

breastfeedingmy-adoptedbaby-girl

 

The day we found out that we had been matched with an expectant mother, is a day I will never forget. Over the phone I heard… expectant mom… baby girl… can you come now?

A few facts about me

  • I’ve never been pregnant past a few weeks along.
  • I’ve never attempted breastfeeding before.
  • I had no intention of breastfeeding.

Immediately my body reacted. My head hurt, my brain was on overdrive, I was shaking and pacing around my house trying to figure out what to do next. Yes, the obvious thing was to get going, but baby stuff.. clothes… carseat… brain.. where did I put my BRAIN!! But something else also happened, my breasts became tender immediately.. and my uterus started cramping… maybe not so much cramping as pulsing?? I have no idea how to describe what I was feeling but I was feeling SOMETHING.

Over the next 2 weeks of getting to know the expectant family, my “feelings” intensified. Constantly sore breasts, constantly sore abdomen. It’s almost as if my body was preparing to give birth.

I went to see my spiritual counselor and she asked me if I had planned on breastfeeding the baby. I looked at her, because I felt as if she had read my mind. I felt my body was pushing me this direction. I’ve looked into it, but it seems so difficult. Especially for someone who has never even been pregnant. She suggested I give it a go.

A few days later I spoke with my agency social worker, she asked if I was planning on breastfeeding the baby. Apparently the expectant mother was hoping I could attempt it. I was surprised, but also everything within me was saying I’M GIVING YOU EVERY POSSIBLE SIGN!! PAY ATTENTION!!

I told the social worker I was considering it. My entire body ached… my body had already decided. My brain had some catching up to do.

I researched the protocol.

Step 1: Take birth control for 8-12 weeks.
– I had been on birth control preparing for our embryo transfer. Check.

Step 2: Start pumping every 2 hours for at least 8-12 weeks. Or feed baby every 2 hours with a supplemental nursing system.
– I don’t have a pump.
– I like my sleep
– I don’t have a baby

Step 3: Start taking supplements to increase your prolactin.
– Prolactin? I’ve heard that word before.
– Google search:
Prolactin (PRL), also known as luteotropic hormone or luteotropin, is a protein that in humans is best known for its role in enabling mammals, usually females, to produce milk.
– Email Search: AHH YES!
From my fertility nurse 3 days prior to finding out about baby: Your prolactin level came back slightly elevated, we need to recheck to make sure everything is alright. It is ok to be elevated if you are breastfeeding, but you are not so we need so recheck it.

Ok Ok Ok… I’m not losing my mind.

So let me get this straight, my body knew before my agency knew that my baby was coming. I mean, that sounds totally reasonable.

WHAT THE F&#! IS HAPPENING!!!

REFOCUS

Supplements I need to consider:
1. Essential Oils (fennel & Basil)
2. Herbs (Blessed Thissle, FenuGreek, Nettle Herb, Fennel Seed, Goats Rue)

Drugs to consider:

  1. Domparidone (Not FDA approved or available in the US, but easily purchased online with a secret handshake of sorts) … this seems sketchy. I’m in.

*I’ll write up a separate post notating the importance of each of these supplements and drugs.

Decision Time:
How deep am I going to go into this journey.

I don’t have to dive deep at all.

I could just try it and see what happens.

I could take no supplements and just use the supplementation device.

Yes.

That seems like a good plan.

The least amount of work. I’m sure that is what God is saying to me. Because why would he be SHOUTING at me if he wanted me to put in 100% effort. Ok, I’m clearly dense but this is what I’m going with for now.

I could look at it as the most astounding way to connect and attach with my adopted child… milk or no milk.

when-god-shouts-i-listen

SC