Sheila’s Take on Friends

Last night I enjoyed a late night walk in the snow. The clouds were low and the street lights were bright enough for me to see all the way down the street. It was the perfect temperature for a sweater jacket and a hat. That first snow of the year is one of my favorite moments. Plus up on my side of town we got big wet flakes that stuck to the ground. The trees were coated evenly with what looked like pillows of cotton balls. Each of those season changes are my favorite moments - reminding me that our world and our lives will rarely remain the same. Ever changing, ever growing. 

I was walking so late because it was my bi-weekly “girls night” with a mom friend that lives a couple of blocks up from me. Over the pandemic a couple of mom friends that I had just met a few months prior, got together twice a month to keep ourselves sane. We have continued this tradition even though we now get to see each other at school drop off each day. It’s really been so wonderful to have these women in my life. The thing is, our kids aren’t friends and our husbands aren’t friends - we’ve never pushed the issue. Probably because we weren’t willing to share our time with a rowdy bunch. We have become accustomed to spending these quiet moments late at night when everyone else is in bed to be ourselves. No looking over our shoulder to scold a child that isn’t sharing or isn’t saying kind words. No making sure the husband is having a good time. This is just a time for three women with children of the same age to get together and talk about how we are surviving. The answer usually is - we don’t actually know. We get up and do the things and come home and do more things and pick up the kids and cook the dinner and clean the house that was clean last night but managed to get unclean in the last 24 hours…. And we do that every day. We talk about our ups and downs in life. How each of our kids are progressing and if we are making the right choices. Should I have given my child more consequences or less? Should I help my child make more friends? Is my child reading too much? Yes, that was a conversation point last night. We ask ourselves all the crazy questions that many parents are thinking but afraid to ask out loud. We don’t judge one another, we just listen. 

In this moment I have friends that I can really connect with. I’m sure as my children grow I will find more connections or different connections. 

When my husband and I got married in 2006 we had several friends who had just gotten engaged or married that same year. We joined a newlywed bible study group and talked only about being married. We connected deeply and shared our struggles and joys of that first year of marriage…. How many times can a couple fight over chores and finances? Turns out, the rest of their lives. It was nice to know that the couples in that small group struggled that first year of marriage as much as we did. Newly weds doesn’t mean all of a sudden your relationship becomes uncomplicated and easy. It just means you are now committed to each other in sickness and health. We still speak with many of those couples, but we all went our separate ways and live our different lives. It was a season that we needed each other. 

I remember in the beginning stages of the adoption process I found a group of families going through the exact same things. We were all childless and waiting for our first match. Those moments of waiting caused a huge amount of anxiety for all of us - no matter why we were adoption. We met in a conference room once a month to talk about how we were coping. Tears were shed every month. Soon, babies started coming to those meetings… until we could no longer have the meetings due to our busy parenting schedules. In the time we needed each other, we were there. Our relationships have changed, but we are still in contact with each other. That was 10 years ago, and to this day we try to get together from all corners of the city for the kids to play. In fact, I started working for one of those families - which is why I get to be here with you. 

Where are you going to find your community today? We can’t always rely on our connections from 10 years ago when we were in a completely different stage of life as we are now. We can continue to love those people, but you need to find the community for the life you are living today. Is that community a group of new moms or a group of newly weds. Is that community a group of divorcees or widows? What is going on in your life right now and how can you find a group of people that are dealing with the same things? What I have found is that when we are struggling, we have to be the ones to reach out. We are too good at hiding our distress - and even if we are not, are we going to accept the help of someone who senses your distress or are we going to keep pretending we are fine? Part of being a human is having humility to know when to reach out. Admit you are drowning and reach for the life raft. Drowning is a fairly silent process you know…. Are we expecting a mind reading life guard to scoop us off the bottom of the ocean? We have to be our own advocates. We have to be willing to save our selves. We have to WANT to live and ask to be saved. 

We don’t have to go through life alone. While it is so easy to check out of personal relationships these days by just logging on to the computer, we have got to be strong enough to take a look outside our screens and see the human beings right in front of our faces. We get a choice to have people walk beside us. Sometimes its the people we expect to walk beside us and some times we are surprised by those that end up unexpectedly becoming the most important part of our lives. 

You may say that you are alone because everyone has left you - but re think this - has everyone left you behind or have you left them behind? Are you chasing a person who cannot be available for you right now? Find new people. This world is filled with billions of kind souls just waiting to be your community. 

We do not have to be alone in this world. 

Be curious. Ask questions. I promise you will find your right people in the moment that you need them if you open your mouth and ask how THEY are doing. 

In Grace,

Sheila