Sheila’s Take on Forgiveness
This past week my son got his bike stolen. It was my fault.
We love how close we are to the school. It’s a little over a mile and we can get to the school on mostly bike trail and back roads, so pretty safe too. In fact, my 6yr old got off her training wheels this summer JUST so she would be able to ride in like big brother does. My son is 9 and has proved his ability to ride into school alone a few days a week. We rode the route together several times and he proved to me that he could be safe. My husband is a biking fanatic, and an extreme safety fanatic as well so the safety rules on bikes in this house are no joke. I shout rules out as we are biking constantly. The kids have the rules memorized. Always stop at stop signs, Always call it out when you are coming up on someone else, Always make yourself known to other vehicles, Always maintain eye contact with cars upon crossing the road. No eye contact, no cross. So my son, after reciting these rules to us, got a pass to start going into school a little earlier He usually leaves about 5 minutes before me and the girls come. This particular day it was a little chilly out and me and the girls decided not to bike in… but he had some work he wanted to get done so he biked in even in the 35 degree weather. Here is my mistake. I had forgotten he had an appointment that afternoon.
I took him out of school to get his hair cut. I have 3 children and I choose not to take 3 children into a hair salon. We had some really great one on one time - which when you have 3 children is hard to find one on one time with each of them. I’m constantly feeling like someone is getting less love and affection from me. So yes, I pull my son from school to get a much needed hair cut. In the process of getting his hair cut he had asked the stylist if she could throw some color in there…. To which i surprisingly agreed. The whole ordeal took much longer than expected and we barely made it back in time to pick up my daughter from school. When we got to the school he was showing his new locks off to everyone. He chose bright red highlights. I figured, what the hell. It’s just color. It washes out. It makes him happy. Lets do this. In the excitement of the hair and the rush to get the 6yr old… we forgot about the bike. SO the bike stayed at the school overnight. Not locked up. Sure enough, the next morning it was gone.
My son was devastated. We immediately failed a police report and did our due diligence with online searches and community help. It’s been a week now. No bike. Most nights have ended in tears. He doesn’t want a new bike. He wants his bike.
There is something about getting something stolen. Whether it be a bike, or a car, or any item that is yours that is not theirs. It is so personal. While the person who stole your thing may not know who you are or what the impact this stolen item may leave - it is still personal.
For my son, this bike was a milestone - it was his first 24” bike. He helped pick it out. He helped negotiate the price. He helped upgrade a couple components. He really took ownership. This bike also gave him freedom. Freedom to ride to school alone and be independence. So he probably feels like some of his freedoms were taken. He probably feels like if his things aren’t safe, he isn’t safe.
I don’t really know how to handle this situation. What is the lesson in this that I’m trying to teach him? Besides lock up your bike and don’t leave it at school. I don’t want this to teach him that all people are bad. I want him to have faith in humanity, even when it’s so hard to do so. I want him to not worship material items and to know that items are replaceable. But I’m also mad for him. I’m mad that some high school kids thought it would be fun to grab a bike from an elementary school for fun. I’m mad that I left the damn bike at the school. I’m mad that this bike getting stolen ruined the amazing day my son and I had. The memory of us ditching school a few hours will forever be tainted by the time mom forgot to pick up my bike and it got stolen and now my life is ruined. I suppose by now I’m used to being the bad guy and getting blamed for all the things. I’m blaming myself afterall.
Maybe my opportunity here is to teach him forgiveness.
Explaining forgiveness to a child is going to be difficult. Adults have a hard enough time with this concept. “We can get you a new bike son, we can get you a solid bike lock even… but we can’t force you to forgive. Only you can do that. That has to be a choice you make.”
I look back over my childhood and I see years of grudges. I can still think of those moments my friends or family failed me and I held onto those moments. I held onto them so long that I honestly am struggling letting them go. Those moments of anger and high emotion have become a part of me.
Yes, forgiveness is the lesson. So I decided to google “how to teach forgiveness” - because that seems like the best route at this point. I found several great suggestions. All those links will be listed in the show notes. Here is my clif notes for you.
Forgiveness isn’t saying what happened is fair or good. Rather, it’s saying, “I am deciding to let go of my hurt and angry feelings toward that person even though they hurt me.” - This Website
As parents, its our job to be model forgivers. Well this sounds hard. I’ve been in therapy for years just trying to figure this out. And that’s me with a great child hood and very little trauma throughout my life. It makes sense though, if I can’t SHOW them how to forgive the little things that happen in my life, how can they be expected to forgive those big things. That means forgiving our partners, forgiving our children, and forgiving ourselves REGULARLY. No more reminding my spouse how he has done it wrong a million times before, but forgive past offenses (even the one from last tuesday when I lost a game of dishes chicken… I’ll probably explain this in a later episode).
Here is my favorite suggestion: Write a note. Take up pen and paper and write a letter to the person who hurt them. We don’t have the opportunity to give our offender this letter, but the point is, he is going to get his feelings down on paper. Now I love this suggestion, but my son hates writing. Maybe if I let him write curse words he will be more willing to do this one. As long as the letter is constructive - including how he felt hurt, how he feels now, and how he could suggest what the people could have done instead of stealing the bike. Most importantly, end the letter with some sort of expression of forgiveness and understanding - again, this would be hard for me and it will be hard for my son.
And finally, the Mayo clinic website says that Forgiveness can even lead to feelings of understanding, empathy and compassion for the one who hurt you.
Benefits of forgiveness:
Healthier relationships
Improved mental health
Less anxiety, stress and hostility
Lower blood pressure
Fewer symptoms of depression
A stronger immune system
Improved heart health
Improved self-esteem
Listen, I get that parenting is hard and even thinking about forgiveness in some instances is real hard… we are all here just doing the best we can.
Hey friend, Find your forgiveness this week. Especially if “they” don’t deserve it.
In Grace,
Sheila
